nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
