you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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