Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
