Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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