broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
