I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
