i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
