Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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