I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
My ATM looks so different sober.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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