Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Randomize
