If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
