mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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