why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
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So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
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Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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