i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Two words: blizzard sex
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Randomize
