No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
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