Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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