I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
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I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
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