Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
