my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
