he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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