remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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