ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Randomize
