so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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