Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
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It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
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I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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