So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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