Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
You made out with two different species that night
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
