Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
