whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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