hotel room ftw
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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