I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
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i drank out of a bidet.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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