its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
