Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
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