Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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