I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize
