I am spending my child support on dildos
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
