either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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