Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
4 words: hood of his car
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
