I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I just gargled with NyQuil
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
