What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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