see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
