the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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