I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
