Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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