saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
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The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
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