Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
