When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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