if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
