I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
