I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
