I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
did i walk over a car last night?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
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