im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
