My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Randomize
