Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
