i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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